Clerk: Yes sir, can I help you?

Man: Hi, checking out of 809, please.

Clerk: Yes sir. Was everything satisfactory?

Man: Uh, yeah. Look, I'm sorry, I'm in a hurry. I'm running late for a , so if we could speed this up...

Clerk: I just need to review your and have you sign the room rate and the incidentals, sir.

Man: Fine.

Clerk: One night at our standard rate, $119. Okay? Yes, state comes to $9.52. Okay? Facility fee $15.

Man: It's fine. I don't care. I just need to get to the . Just put it on the credit card that you have on file.

Clerk: We don't want to overcharge you, sir. Three-minute phone calls, $4.22. Okay. One dinner buffet built to the room, $15. Sure. One glass of red with the buffet, $9. Okay. This sounds fine. Look, I really have to go. I have a waiting.

Clerk: There are only a few more charges, sir. One night of access, $7.95. Six , $75,000. Daily , $11.50.

Man: I'm sorry, what did you say about diamonds?

Clerk: Six pristine Bengali diamonds, sir, had delivered on a pillow of the finest Oriental , $75,000. Newspaper, one. Okay, I didn't order six diamonds.

Clerk: Then I'll remove the charge. Sir, this is why it's very important to review the bill.

Man: Yes, thank you. Okay, booking fee, $12. Occupancy tax, $1. Safe fee, $3. Weird, but sure. Look, I'm sorry, I really have to go. Did you have room service for ?

Man: Yeah, I had the Sunshine combo.

Clerk: The Sunshine combo? Half a , two eggs... the combo, yes. A breakfast meat, your choice of coffee or orange juice... yes, the combo... hash brown potatoes... yes, $9.95. Sir, that's great. A ?

Man: I'm sorry, you charge for that?

Clerk: It's complimentary, but we do list it on the receipt. I see two aspirin, $2. Suit pressed, $18. 16 cubic meters of argon, $65.

Man: Okay, I'm sorry, what was that last thing?

Clerk: Argon, sir. It's a noble gas.

Man: I didn't get any argon at all.

Clerk: It's a colorless, odorless gas, sir. How can you be entirely sure?

Man: I guess I don't know. Bottle of , $2. Housekeeping gratuity, $4. Forgive me, sir, but did you remove the taxidermy from your room?

Man: Sorry, the what?

Clerk: The medium-sized stuffed mountain lion on the mantel. Many customers mistake it for their own and they pack it by accident.

Man: No, I just have this little guy. I don't think it would fit.

Clerk: Are you quite sure, sir? The maid has reported it missing from your room. Normally, in this case, there would be a incurred.

Man: Okay, how much?

Clerk: 12 cents.

Man: That's fine, just charge me for the bobcat.

Clerk: You could just return it, sir.

Man: I don't have it! I didn't even see it in the room.

Clerk: Very well, sir. That charge will stand. In-room entertainment package, $119,000.

Man: I just watched The Avengers, it was like $7.

Clerk: Yes, sir. There is an option where you can choose to pay either $7 or $119,000.

Man: Okay, then I pick $7.

Clerk: Very well, sir. You'll be the first person ever to choose that price. I find that hard to believe. Okay, wait, isn't that your... okay, I do not have time for that at all. Visit with our Tax Advisor?

Man: That did not happen!

Clerk: He may have peeked in while you were sleeping.

Man: That creeps me out, but I didn't notice him.

Clerk: But he'll be very disappointed to hear that. I'll remove the charge. Would you like to donate $1 for the relief fund for hurricane victims?

Man: Sure, $1. That's very generous, sir. Okay, your is printed.

Man: Okay, I don't need a receipt.

Clerk: It's nearly printed, and it's jammed, sir. I'll print you another.

Man: That's okay, don't worry about it. And look at that, I missed my flight.

Clerk: Will you be needing tonight, sir?

Man: Yes, please.

Clerk: All right, let's go through that one.