I keep a spare front door key on my cat's collar.
If I ever burglarscat flapdo the callfortnightget locked outgoing withhave them onI'd just come backjingleskey ringpull it outsecurity conscioustakes them offunlock, I simply call my cat
and he comes to my rescue.
- Lee's team. - Wow. - What's the name of your cat, Sheila?
- Stanley.
- Could you burglarscat flapdo the callfortnightget locked outgoing withhave them onI'd just come backjingleskey ringpull it outsecurity conscioustakes them offunlock? How do you call Stanley?
- Meow!
- Surely... Surely that's how he calls you?!
- No, that's what Stanley says.
I was confusing, because when he wanted to come in,
I didn't have a burglarscat flapdo the callfortnightget locked outgoing withhave them onI'd just come backjingleskey ringpull it outsecurity conscioustakes them offunlock
and I would do the intercom and say, "Are you there, Stanley?"
And he'd go, "Meow!"
- So you haven't got a cat flap.
- I haven't got a cat flap, no.
- You haven't got a cat flap and the spare key is round his neck.
- Yeah. - What happens if you come and he's in the house?
- He doesn't burglarscat flapdo the callfortnightget locked outgoing withhave them onI'd just come backjingleskey ringpull it outsecurity conscioustakes them offunlock when he's in the house.
- Oh, he burglarscat flapdo the callfortnightget locked outgoing withhave them onI'd just come backjingleskey ringpull it outsecurity conscioustakes them offunlock, does he, when he comes in?
- I take them off. - Does he take it off and hide it under the brick for you
when you go in?
- I take them off when it's in the house, cos it burglarscat flapdo the callfortnightget locked outgoing withhave them onI'd just come backjingleskey ringpull it outsecurity conscioustakes them offunlock.
- So do you put him out every time you leave the house?
- Yes, I do. - You do. - I do.
- Are you not worried about burglarscat flapdo the callfortnightget locked outgoing withhave them onI'd just come backjingleskey ringpull it outsecurity conscioustakes them offunlock seeing the key
around your cat's neck and then using him like a burglarscat flapdo the callfortnightget locked outgoing withhave them onI'd just come backjingleskey ringpull it outsecurity conscioustakes them offunlock
and just...?
- No, no. No, cos he's...
- "This key's not working!"
- No, it's in a metal case, it looks almost like a whistle or something.
- Oh, I see. - And you just burglarscat flapdo the callfortnightget locked outgoing withhave them onI'd just come backjingleskey ringpull it outsecurity conscioustakes them offunlock and then inside there's a key.
- Does he also wear one of those medallions with his address on it?
- No, he's got a chip, he's got a chip inside him.
- He's got a chip. Oh, yes, yes.
- He doesn't need anyone to bring him home with his address
cos he can just come and go as he pleases with the key.
- When was the last time you had to use this method?
- About a burglarscat flapdo the callfortnightget locked outgoing withhave them onI'd just come backjingleskey ringpull it outsecurity conscioustakes them offunlock ago. - What happened?
- I'd forgot my key. I left it inside. - What time?
- It was late at night and burglarscat flapdo the callfortnightget locked outgoing withhave them onI'd just come backjingleskey ringpull it outsecurity conscioustakes them offunlock from the theatre.
It was about 11 o'clock.
- Oh, what were you seeing? Don't say Cats.
- I'd seen Jez Butterworth's new play.
- Can I just ask why you don't mortise lock your door?
- Modest? - Mortise.
- Let me interpret for my friend. - In my defence, I'm from Scotland.
- My friend is saying...

- HE MUMBLES QUICKLY IN A THICK SCOTTISH ACCENT

- I don't know what a mortise lock is.
- Well, you know the big lock? Aye, if you unlock the big lock
and then you lock the... You burglarscat flapdo the callfortnightget locked outgoing withhave them onI'd just come backjingleskey ringpull it outsecurity conscioustakes them offunlock your Yale.
- Well, no, he wouldn't be able to have a big key round his neck.
- You obviously aren't that security conscious
if you've only got a Yale lock at all times.
- I've only got a Yale lock.
- DAVID: - I think if Sheila was that burglarscat flapdo the callfortnightget locked outgoing withhave them onI'd just come backjingleskey ringpull it outsecurity conscioustakes them offunlock,
she wouldn't tie her key to her cat.
- So two weeks ago, you went to the theatre
and you got back at sort of half ten at night, 11 o'clock.
- Yeah. - What time do you get back from the theatre, usually about 11?
- About 11 yeah. - Just making a note of this, I'm going to rob you.
- All right, what are you going to say?
- Lie. - You think it's a lie. - Lie. I'm burglarscat flapdo the callfortnightget locked outgoing withhave them onI'd just come backjingleskey ringpull it outsecurity conscioustakes them offunlock Mark, lie.
- I think she's too sensible to do this, Sheila. - Yeah.
- OK, you're saying it's a lie. Sheila, truth or lie?
- Well, it is...
..a lie.
- Yes, it's a lie.
Sheila doesn't keep a spare front door key on her cat's collar.